The Happiness & Confidence Choice

Exploring Happiness and Confidence through the Lens of Self-Determination Theory

When I tell people I’m a Confidence Coach, I’m often asked for tips on how to be more confident.

But the type of confidence I work with is a deeper, longer-lasting kind - the sort you don’t get instantly from “a power pose” or “imagining the audience naked.” It’s an internal confidence that grows from the inside out.

The first kind feels good but fades fast. The second feels like a deep exhale - steadier, more grounded - and it’s what psychologists call high self-esteem.

As a coach who blends positive psychology and neurodiversity-informed coaching, I’m fascinated by what actually helps people build authentic, sustainable confidence - and that’s what led me to Self-Determination Theory (SDT).

1. The Two Faces of Confidence

The popular kind of confidence people often chase - the one driven by external proof, validation, praise, or achievement - is what I call performance confidence.

It’s moment-based and highly dependent on circumstances.

High self-esteem confidence, on the other hand, doesn’t come from performing well; it comes from believing you’re worthy even when you don’t.

It’s quieter, more sustainable, and it shapes how we recover from setbacks, not just how we show up when we’re winning.

2. The Aha Moment: Where Happiness Theory Meets Confidence

I’m currently knee-deep in a Positive Psychology course, and the latest module I’m studying is The Science of Happiness.

In this module we were introduced to Self-Determination Theory (SDT) - a model developed by psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan.

It explains what drives true fulfilment - what psychologists call eudaimonic happiness - the kind that lasts long after the dopamine hit fades (not hedonic happiness, the short-term buzz you get when you buy a new car or, in my case, a fresh notebook).

SDT proposes that humans thrive when three fundamental psychological needs are met:

• Autonomy – the need to feel free and self-directed.

• Competence – the need to feel effective and capable.

• Relatedness – the need to feel connected and valued by others.

When these needs are met, we don’t just feel happier - we feel whole. And when they’re not, we can achieve a lot on paper but still feel hollow inside.

3. Why Self-Determination Theory Matters for Self-Esteem and Confidence

As I learnt about Self-Determination Theory, I started to realise it could be applied not only to happiness, but also to confidence.

Eudaimonic happiness aligns beautifully with the roots of high self-esteem:

• When our autonomy is supported, we trust our own judgment.

• When we experience competence, we believe in our capabilities.

• When we feel relatedness, we internalise the sense that we matter.

In other words, high self-esteem isn’t a personality trait — it’s a by-product of environments and relationships that meet these needs.

That’s empowering, because it means self-esteem can be built, not just “found.”

4. The Real Work: Building High Self-Esteem Using Self-Determination Theory

Building high self-esteem isn’t about repeating affirmations until you believe them.

It’s about designing a life that lets your needs be met - through aligned decisions, nurturing relationships, and achievable challenges.

>> That’s exactly what I explore in my new free workbook: Building High Self-Esteem with Self-Determination Theory <<

The workbook helps you apply SDT’s three core needs - Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness - to your own life. It includes reflection prompts and small, science-backed actions to strengthen your self-esteem and build authentic confidence from the inside out.

5. Takeaway

The next time you think, “I just need more confidence,” ask yourself:

Do I really need to perform better - or do I need to believe in myself more deeply?

Because when your autonomy, competence, and connection are in balance, confidence isn’t something you chase - it’s the natural side-effect of being aligned with who you are.

About Helen Unwin

Helen Unwin is an ICF-accredited ADHD and Confidence Coach who helps people build clarity, confidence, and systems that work with their unique brains. Her coaching blends Positive Psychology, Executive Function development, and a neurodiversity-informed approach to help clients design lives and businesses that feel authentic, balanced, and fulfilling.

Learn more at Helen Unwin Coaching or follow Helen on LinkedIn and Instagram for insights, tools, and reflections on confidence, self-esteem, and working with your brain - not against it.